i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
