I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
