Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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