and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
