I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
