Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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