Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
