I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
