areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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