I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Everything about him screamed your future.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
