I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
