Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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