Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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