my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
