If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
