My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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