Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
