i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
