Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
