Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
