evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
