You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
