I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
