she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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