If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
