fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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