Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
