my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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