When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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