I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
