Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
