I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
