Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
