i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
