my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
