I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
