The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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