he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
