she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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