Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
His hands were made for my vagina.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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