Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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