The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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