Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills