I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
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guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!