Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.