Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos