honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
