So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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