wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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