tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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