a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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