do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
