I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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