I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
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So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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