be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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