The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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