I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
