youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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