Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
