Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm passing your future prison.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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